Lived Experience Matters — But It Must Walk With Humility, Learning, and Accountability

Across New Zealand, there is increasing recognition of the importance of lived experience voices within the social services sector. Many organisations are intentionally engaging individuals who have lived through trauma, justice involvement, addiction, and family harm to help guide and support others.

There is a powerful reason for this.

People who have walked through these experiences often carry insights that cannot be learned through theory alone. Their stories carry credibility. Their presence can create connection with those who might otherwise resist engaging with support services.

At Fathers For Families, we see this regularly through our work with men participating in Te Ara Poutama o te Matua Mārama, our men’s behavioural change programme.

When men first enter the room, many arrive guarded, cautious, and uncertain. But when they hear another father speak honestly about his own struggles and mistakes, something shifts.

Walls begin to come down.
Conversations become real.
Trust begins to grow.

Yet through listening carefully to the journeys of our participants, we have also learned something equally important:

Lived experience is powerful — but it requires humility, education, and accountability to truly create change.

Why Lived Experience Helps Engagement

Research into behaviour-change programmes shows that peer relatability plays a significant role in engagement.

Men who have experienced the justice system, intergenerational trauma, or cycles of family harm often distrust services they feel do not understand their reality. When they encounter others who have walked similar paths, they are more likely to open up and engage honestly.

Studies examining men’s behaviour change programmes show that peer-informed environments can:

• increase programme participation
• encourage openness in group discussions
• reduce resistance to conversations about accountability

This reflects what we see in our own programmes.

One participant shared:

“When someone tells their story and it sounds like mine, I stop pretending and start listening.”

Shared experience creates connection.

But connection alone does not create transformation.

When Experience Becomes Justification

Through the stories shared by participants, we sometimes observe that lived experience can become a shield rather than a mirror.

Men may explain their behaviour through their upbringing:

• “That’s just how things were in my house.”
• “My father was the same.”
• “That’s how we dealt with things growing up.”

These statements often reflect real experiences of hardship and trauma. But if they are not examined honestly, they can unintentionally normalise harmful behaviours.

Research into intergenerational trauma shows that individuals raised in environments where violence, emotional suppression, or instability were common may internalise these behaviours as normal ways of responding to conflict.

Without reflection and learning, lived experience can unknowingly reproduce the same patterns across generations.

And these patterns do not only affect the men themselves.

They affect partners, children, and the wider whanau.

Acknowledging the Impact on Partners, Children, and Whanau

One of the most powerful turning points we see in our programme occurs when fathers begin to see their story through the eyes of others.

Through reflection exercises and discussion, many men begin to understand how their behaviour has affected their partners and children.

Partners may have experienced:

• fear or emotional distress
• broken trust
• the burden of carrying the family alone
• uncertainty about safety and stability

Children may have experienced:

• emotional insecurity
• exposure to conflict or harmful behaviour
• disrupted attachment and trust
• confusion about healthy relationships

National strategies such as Te Aorerekura – the National Strategy to Eliminate Family Violence and Sexual Violence emphasise that addressing family harm requires acknowledging the impact on the entire whanau and supporting pathways toward healing and safety.

For many fathers, this realisation becomes a powerful moment of clarity.

One participant reflected:

“I spent years talking about what happened to me.
But I never stopped to think about what my kids were living through because of me.”

The Turning Point: Humility

Humility is the bridge between storytelling and transformation.

It is the moment when someone moves from explaining their past to examining it.

Many men begin programmes speaking primarily about the hardships they experienced growing up. Their stories often reflect survival.

But as conversations deepen, a shift begins to take place.

Men start asking deeper questions:

• What patterns did I learn growing up?
• How have my choices affected my partner and children?
• What kind of father and partner do I want to become?

Humility allows men to acknowledge both the harm they experienced and the harm they may have caused.

This is not about shame.

It is about responsibility and restoration.

Why Education Strengthens Lived Experience

While lived experience provides insight, education provides understanding.

Many participants arrive without language for concepts such as:

• trauma responses
• emotional regulation
• attachment patterns
• generational cycles of harm

Trauma research, including the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, highlights how unresolved trauma can influence patterns of anger, emotional shutdown, and harmful coping behaviours.

When men begin to understand how trauma shapes behaviour and relationships, they often begin to see their lives differently.

Education allows lived experience to become wisdom rather than repetition.

From Survival to Responsibility

Through listening to participant stories, we often see a journey unfold in stages.

Survival

Men initially focus on protecting themselves and explaining their past.

Reflection

Through learning and discussion, they begin examining their patterns and behaviours.

Responsibility

Eventually many begin taking responsibility for their choices and rebuilding trust with their partners, children, and whanau.

This is where lived experience becomes most powerful.

Because it is no longer simply a story of survival.

It becomes a story of accountability and change.

From Personal Change to Higher Learning

For many fathers who complete our programmes, the journey does not end with behaviour change.

Often, it is only the beginning.

Graduates of Te Ara Poutama o te Matua Mārama have the opportunity to continue their journey through Te Ara Whakamua – Leadership to Employment, a programme designed to support men as they move from personal transformation into leadership, employment, and education pathways.

This programme helps participants develop:

• leadership skills
• communication and mentoring capability
• emotional intelligence
• workplace readiness
• community responsibility

For some of our graduates, this journey has opened the door to higher learning and tertiary education.

Several fathers who once entered our programme after leaving prison have now taken courageous steps into university study. These men are now pursuing qualifications that allow them to contribute positively to their families, communities, and future generations.

For their children, this transformation carries a powerful message.

Instead of witnessing cycles of harm repeated, they are seeing something different — a father who is learning, growing, and building a new legacy.

Research shows that when parents engage in education and employment pathways, the benefits extend beyond the individual. Children are more likely to develop positive educational aspirations, families experience greater stability, and communities benefit from positive role models.

A Path Towards Restoration

Across New Zealand, there is growing recognition that lived experience voices have an important role in addressing family harm.

But lived experience reaches its greatest strength when it walks alongside humility, learning, accountability, and cultural grounding.

At Fathers For Families, we believe transformation happens when men are given the space to tell their stories and the guidance to understand them.

Because real change is not simply about confronting the past.

It is about restoring relationships and building a safer future for partners, children, and whanau.

For some fathers, that journey continues even further — into leadership, higher learning, and new opportunities that once seemed out of reach.

Ultimately, the true measure of change is not simply the story a man tells about himself.

It is the story his children will tell about him in the years to come.

Blessings to one & all!

References:

• New Zealand Government. Te Aorerekura: National Strategy to Eliminate Family Violence and Sexual Violence.
• Ministry of Justice (NZ). Family Violence Perpetrator Intervention Evidence Review.
• Dr. Gabor Maté. The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture.
• World Health Organization. Interpersonal Violence Prevention Framework.
• New Zealand Department of Corrections. What Works in Reducing Reoffending – Behaviour Change Programmes.